A Dissuasion, A Short Play (Lights up on three men. Waiter, Bear and Customer. Both Customer and Bear have chairs and are seated. Waiter remains standing. Waiter wears black slacks and a white dress shirt. Customer is dressed in the uniform of the middle management schmuck; khakis and a tacky polo and glasses that went out of style ten years ago. Bear wears blue jeans and either a Chicago Cubs or Bears jersey and a Cub or Bears ball cap. Although the three do talk to each other they never acknowledge each others presence and instead address the audience.) Waiter: I had been on since 6:30 and I’d only had two tables. Well three, if you count the bear. And nobody tips good these days. Bear: Let me just start by saying that the whole incident of me mauling the bitchy waiter was blown way out of proportion. I think people look down at me for the past instance at the restaurant. Customer: It was finally my weekend; the time for relaxing that I had been waiting for was finally here. My life during the week is hectic, but the weekends always provide solace. Living in the hustle and bustle of city life wears me out. I have to escape. Bear: I’ve had trouble there before. Customer: I have begun to establish a ritual to this escape. This ritual is basically an attempt to reclaim a nostalgic element of my past. Camping and hanging out with nature. “Ah, this will be a good weekend.” I head out to the woods and I stop at this local “greasy spoon.” This is another habit I have developed, the patronizing of this restaurant. This aspect is also an escape. All week I attempt to eat healthy, but for this one meal, on the weekend, I let loose. Waiter: So I ask Janine, my manager, “Can I go home?” And she says “No. Go wait on Bart. He just came in.” Bear: I got thrown back out into the woods one time for indecent exposure. The park ranger said that I couldn’t show up there anymore bare-assed. Waiter: We hate Bart. Customer: I pull into the parking lot. Business here seems to be exceptionally slow today. Normally, this place is hopping, but not today. I pull right up to the door. In fact, I even take the time to back in. Driving a pickup, I’ve learned to pull in backwards when I can. This way, I do not have to worry as much about getting boxed in. I walk into the restaurant and I’m greeted by a friendly hostess. Waiter: All the waiters draw straws so they don’t have to serve him. Customer: “How many in your party sir?” “Just one today.” I reply. I’ve always got a kick out of that question… Waiter: I don’t even think that’s his real name, but Bart fits. Customer: …I mean look at me, do I really look like I’d have more than one person in my party? Ouch lady, quit pouring salt in that wound. Waiter: It rhymes with fart. Customer: I ask to be seated in a booth. I always like booths; something about them makes me feel comfortable… Waiter: Which is all he does. Sits in his corner booth behind the aquarium and stinks up the whole place. Customer: Sitting at a counter? My feet don’t touch the floor, I hate that. A regular table, I feel vulnerable. A booth, yeah, I’m a booth kind of guy. Waiter: I had a roommate once, one of those Vegan types. And I swear the only thing she ate was soy burgers and garbanzo bean hummus. She tried to cover it up with patchouli oil but that only made it worse and she still didn’t smell half as bad as Bart. Bear: Anyways, I came into the restaurant tired from catching salmon. Guess who my waiter was? Waiter: But anyway I’m like “Janine, what about the Bear?” And I’m whispering so I won’t start a stink around the other customers. Bear: That’s right the same jerk that turned me over to the park ranger for indecent exposure. Right off the bat he started giving me attitude, real bitchy. Waiter: I’m the only one who can handle the bear. Well the only one he hasn’t mauled at least. And Janine asks where I sat him. Bear: He sat me down next to a potted plant in the corner and he threw my menu at me. I told him before that I was claustrophobic, but he still chooses to sit me in the corner. Waiter: I dunno I stuffed him in a corner somewhere. Behind the aquarium I think. I don’t want to upset the other customers. The tourists you know? The ones who don’t just happen to see a bear everyday. Some people get kind of jumpy about things like that. Janine tells me to go check on the bear and take care of Bart. Bear: Now, I’m a bear and I like fish, you understand. I ask the waiter if they had trout or perhaps catfish. He tilts his head back, laughs, and says… Waiter: “We’re all out of fish today hairy.” Bear: Right about here I start to get a bit miffed. So I ask for a rare steak. He rolls his eyes and says… Waiter: “Whatever” Bear: He grabs the menu out of my paws and walks off whistling. Customer: The waiter comes up and introduces himself as my server. Waiter: “Good evening sir, what can I get you today?” I’m smiling big because I just got my teeth whitened. Customer: Hmmm, I haven’t seen him before. He asks… Waiter: “What would you like to drink today?” Customer: I tell him I’m really thirsty, could he just bring me a pitcher of water, and I would appreciate it. This, this is just another one of my…intricacies.... Waiter: “I’ll be right back with that.” Janine’s always telling us “Smile Big” “Smile Big.” She was an actress or a stripper maybe before she came here and she used to do a lot of Thorizine so it comes easy for her. But me? I’ve got to fake it. Bear: After this I must have waited for about an hour for my food, and he didn’t refill my coffee cup. I start clicking my claws on the table to try and get his attention but he just rolls his eyes and walks right past me. Right about then either me or my stomach started growling. It was probably me. Customer: You see, I have an aversion to ice. Sure, I like my water cold, but I can’t stand ice. He comes back with a pitcher and I attempt to pour my own glass of water, but the waiter gives me the evil eye. This is his job, and I am not about to infringe. “Where’s Jenny?” Waiter: Bart asks me before I can take down his order and leave. Only it sounds more like a belch than a question. Bear: I got up to go speak to the waiter when I saw the park ranger. He didn’t see me. I quickly sat down and hid behind a copy of Field and Stream. Maybe he didn’t see me I thought. I forgot to wear pants again. Come to think of it I don’t have pants. Customer: After this is when I have to become sneaky though. When he leaves I’m going to pull out my fork and discreetly lift the ice cubes out of my glass. The next phase, where to put the ice cubes, will be tricky. Luckily, I have a coffee cup sitting next to me, so I will place my ice cubes in the coffee cup. Waiter: Jenny usually takes care of him. We always make sure she winds up with the short straw. Bart’s the reason she’s in rehab. “I think she’s sick today. What can I start you off with?” He’s been munching already on his second basket of complimentary breadsticks and crumbs go flying everywhere when he talks. Customer: “Jenny knows what I like. Go get Jenny.” Waiter: “Jenny won’t be back for awhile. How about I come back later while you decide okay?” I can’t believe it, I’ve just got my teeth whitened and here I am wasting them on Bart. Bear: There’s this other customer there. He wears glasses and he’s looking at me like I owe him some money. He’s probably a bear hater. He probably doesn’t even like pandas. Anyhow it’s been over an hour and finally the waiter comes back with my steak. Bear: I look at the steak and its burnt to a crisp. Customer: But I figure, “What the hey” who cares about the repercussions of the coffee. I am going to drink it anyways. I love coffee. Bear: “Hey, I wanted it rare.” And he just rolls his eyes. Waiter: “Then you should have asked for it that way when you ordered it, Yogi.” Bear: Right then I almost lose it. He walks off, whistling, and I just stare at him in disbelief. His bitchiness is astounding. Waiter: I wouldn’t have minded the bear so much if I hadn’t caught him trying to fish out of the aquarium. Some bears just don’t know how to behave in civilized society you know? Customer: Once again the waiter swings by and refills my cup. Again. He could really leave me alone I think. Waiter: Bart’s in the back knocking back cups of coffee like there’s a trade embargo on Columbia. Customer: You’re intruding on my day. Waiter: I can’t even refill the pot for one second and then he’s waving his cup at me again. Customer: You are not apart of my relaxation ritual! Waiter: If he calls me garçon. I am not kidding. I’m going to walk out. Customer: “Wait a second. Do you have any flavored creamer. No? Well just bring me some regular creamer then.” Bear: Now as everyone knows bears have bad tempers, and I’m no exception. Customer: I’ve drank about four cups of coffee. Mmmmm. I can feel my bowels churning though. It’s time to go to the bathroom. I get in there, and it’s not even a matter of “squeezing one out.” Actually, I just have to quit clenching myself closed. Oh wow, this is why I don’t drink coffee that much, especially on an empty stomach. Bear: But this amount of bitchosity was too much for one bear to stomach. Customer: Times like these, they make me want to create a workout video titled “Poop Aerobics” Bear: This is what happened: I finished my charcoal steak and left him a tip. Customer: “And one, and two, and three” Waiter: This is what happened. I’m coming back with Bart’s order. He says I got it wrong but I don’t care and I walk past the bathroom. Waiter: And my eyes start to burn. Customer: His hands are shaking while he’s pouring my coffee. I see his nose twitch and the water build up in his eyes. He’s pouring me another cup and his hands are shaking so bad that he bumps my water glass into my lap. Waiter: Soy burgers and garbanzo bean hummus. This is worse. Customer: The water’s rolling down all over my crotch. Waiter: I would kill for soy burgers and garbanzo bean hummus right now. Even with patchouli stink. Customer: “Dang you, these are my only clothes! Now they’re all wet.” Waiter: “Well sir. Now your pants match my eyes.” Customer: It’s time for another trip to the bathroom anyway. This one is a grunter. Ugh, my bowels are bloated and in pain, uuuggghhh. And this is what happened. Waiter: I’m not in the mood for this. And the bear is finally ready to pay up. Bear: The waiter comes back over and points at the tip. Waiter: “What the hell is this?” Bear: It’s two dead squirrels and a Canadian quarter. That’s clearly 7%. Customer: I’m in the can and I hear this bang! bang! bang! from out in the restaurant. I figure someone is knocking on the door. I just keep grunting down. (Lights come down on the Customer as he continues to struggle in the bathroom) Bear: He grabs the squirrels. Waiter: My eyes were watering really bad. Bear: Hits me in the nose with them. Waiter: I thought they were bagels. Really, I lost it. Bear: And he starts yelling. Waiter: MY TIP FOR YOU IS TO GO BACK TO THE ZOO BIG NOSE!!! Bear: That’s when I got up politely, tripped over the potted plant and accidentally ripped a little bit of flesh from his head and torso. I then politely kicked him in the side. (Lights fade out on Waiter and then Customer) I roared that I was sorry after it happened. Everyone in the restaurant then went screaming and running out the door. I then picked up my dead squirrels, paid the tab, and tried to walk back to my cave. I’m not sure why the park ranger shot me with tranquilizers. But later on I did take a nice long nap. So as you can see the whole incident was an accident. Except for me kicking the waiter in the groin. That was for the Yogi wisecrack. |